This Time Without

This time without

 

Be patient my mind says

The hardest time of my life

Seconds into minutes into hours and into days

This time without my wife

 

When and if it will ever end

The ticking of the clock constantly in my head

This time without my best friend

Waiting for news I know I will dread

 

Trying to respect rules that have been given

While writing things that will never be seen

Going through the motions of living

Hoping you can understand what I mean

 

Days of anxiety and despair

All the while dreaming of your smile

This time without the only one I care

Feeling as if my soul is on trial

 

The hardest part is knowing the end

Knowing that you can stay away

Hoping for messages you will never send

And words you will never say

 

This time without half of my soul

Waiting and watching for something that will never be

Alone I am destined to grow old

Without the one who means everything to me

 

I tell myself to let you go

That our time has come and gone

My head tells me this is so

But my heart tells me to carry on

 

Carry on hope that is lost

This time without my better half

If you can stay away at such a cost

Wondering who now makes you laugh

 

I can not take another day

Asking questions with only one answer

It is easier for you to stay away

Than to risk a life with me

This time without my wife

Has given me a glimpse into my tomorrows

Without any joy or happiness in my life

My soul filled with heartbreak and sorrows

 

Occasionally I hold out hope

That my phone will beep or ring

Just giving me enough rope

Enabling my whole being to sing

 

But its been days out of our time

An eternity costing me any chance or try

My life hanging on a thin line

Wondering how you can even get by

 

Finding it impossible to completely follow your request

Reaching out with occasional desperation

My stomach turning and a pain in my chest

Like a prisoner put in isolation

 

If we are meant to be we are meant to be you always say

You must not feel my pain of separation is my reply

A year goes by every day

More and more I realize It’s just a dream in my sky

 

I have given up any hope we reunite

Not in this life that’s for sure

I just hope that when I see the light

It is you who opens the door

 

I love you more than I ever thought I could

I look forward to your visits in the night

If I knew what to do anything I would

While I realize I am out of your heart not just out of your sight

 

This time without my perfect match

Has taught me how much I had

I want to just reach out and catch

That love I want back so bad

 

I wish I would hear from you

I wish I heard the words I want to hear

I wish I held on to hope for tomorrow

I wish I could hold you near

 

When I am alone with you at night

It is the best part of my day

All I know to do is try and fight

To make you want to stay

 

This time without you has scarred me

And made me face the brutal fact

You don’t feel like we are meant to be

You are happier without my act

 

I am sorry I let you down

I am sorry that it ended this way

I am sorry you can live without me

I am sorry you have no words to say

 

Facing the end of us and we and our love

Facing your happiness without me around

Facing all the signs from above

Facing the truth that I let you down

 

I want to say all the right things

And just try and leave you alone

To forget we once exchanged rings

To forget that apart we have grown

 

I love you now more than ever before

With that love in my heart I have let you go

To live without me and see what is in store

A lasting image of soul exposed to show

 

Hope is all but lost for me and you

This I know now and have given up hope

I will always be here and there is nothing I won’t do

Swimming in the eternity of my prison moat

 

This time without the one who means all

Has taught me nothing I didn’t already know

There is nothing and nobody to catch our fall

My heart and my soul tell me so

 

I never thought you could stay away

But you have and have made it clear

Your life will has continued on to another day

With my role in it not wanted or near

A New Friend

A New Friend

 

 

Rocking gently in my chair my senses absorb only the growing stench from the lost battle with the chair and the sound of my new found friend in my head. Unknowingly just staring blankly ahead and seeing nothing I snap out of it long enough to realize hours have passed and my new friend has not stopped talking and rudely I have not replied. My stomach growling begging to be fed, my shorts no longer damp but crusty and more pungent than ever and my bladder about to explode I muster all of the energy I can to get up and address these issues. I lumber over to the railing to take my customary pee outside, what man wouldn’t rather pee outside? I locate an anthill that looks as if it needs to be extinguished and prepare to do just that. As far as I can remember this moment is where my motivation to do even the most mundane things started to wane. Since I was going to have to go inside anyway wouldn’t it be quicker to just go inside and then get a drink and some food? The simple pleasure of peeing outside had been stripped away by my self-proclaimed dark passenger and somehow he did it without me even knowing.

 

I turned, twirls were no longer an option, and slowly shuffled through the front door and into the kitchen intent on accomplishing my tasks. Once I remembered what they actually were I made my way into the bathroom and accomplished task number one but then once again my new friend distracted me into remaining in his world as I just hovered over the toilet listening and listening and my mind a prisoner not capable of directing my body in any new direction. Time passed and I stood there motionless, taking in every word unable to escape the prison being built in my head.

 

Maybe it was 2 hours, maybe it was 15 minutes, but I finally escaped his world long enough to creep out to the couch and lay down. The next morning I awoke with the sun in a bit of a cloud and not much memory of anything after cleaning up the mess the chair made. Really giving it not much thought and attributing the fog head to all the smoking and although I still had 2 days left of alone time I had no desire to smoke, which was curious and rare given I had no reason not to.

 

I did need to eat though and after preparing breakfast and having some coffee I decided to check out the local Y and see if I could get a pickup baketball game in. Luckily it was spring break and there were people there and I got some court time in, giving no thought at all to the day before and feeling great and invigorated. The last few games I was just there though and realized exactly how out of shape I was and decided to make that my number one priority over my next couple months of down time.

 

After taking a vacation in the shower I decided to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish over the next 60 days and started with get in shape. It was too nice to be inside and I got up, grabbed my pen and paper, and sat in my chair on the deck.

 

Seeing the broken window I quickly jotted that down as thing to do number 2. Then I looked out over my yard admiring the perfectly manicured grass extending 60 yards in front of me and looked over at my barn I had planned on turning in to a media room/game room but never would now. Why am I moving again? I have an incredible job that I am great at, in the two years I have been here I have become a millionaire a few times over, I lived in one of the nicest towns in the country, enjoyed my commute, was close enough to family and friends but far enough away, and I couldn’t ask for a better place for my kids to grow up.

 

Like a bolt of lightning he was back and feeding on my doubts. Why are you moving? You don’t even like Texas. Why would you leave a dream job? A beautiful town? A beautiful house? Family? Planting seeds of doubt throughout my mind and once again taking me prisoner without any protest from me, I jumped in feet first and let it all consume me.

 

Staring at my to do list and deciding that was all it was going to be I started making a pros and cons list instead. Staying or going. I was sure I could get my job back and hadn’t sold the house and why was I moving? As the reason started creeping in to my head I shoved it back. My head began to throb as the battle raged on in my head, unable to think straight I laid my head back, trying to ignore the damn speaker as it mocked me, and finally admitted to myself what I had been trying to deny. It wasn’t him speaking, it was clearly my own conclusion. I was moving for Paula. It was what she wanted. Problem was I also realized that my marriage was a failure hidden behind great sex and the responsibility we both shared for our children.

 

AND IT WAS ALL HER FAULT!!!

 

How did I not see this before. She always played the poor Paula card and I always went for it. I had accomplished many great things and brought us to a place financially neither of us had ever dreamed of. What had she done? Nothing. maybe not nothing, the drive to impress her enabled me to do what I did but it was never enough and finally I get it. It never will be.

 

I want a divorce. Counseling didn’t work. She walked out on that. Big house, nice cars, expensive jewelry, private school, nanny, cleaning people, none of it was enough, just constant complaining about me being stressed out all the time. Well no shit, they don’t pay you millions of dollars because anyone can do it. And she can’t even keep her fucking piles out of the wine room.

 

I called a buddy who was just recently divorced and got his lawyers number and got an appointment for the next morning and started gathering all the information I would need.

 

Feeding on the adrenaline rush I spent the next two hours gathering everything I would need, going through any outstanding bills we may have had, checking the history on our browser and saved websites looking for anything I may not have known about. Expecting to find nothing out of the ordinary it was no surprise when I didn’t.

 

It was then I pulled up Connecticut divorce law on my computer. Now I was a prisoner in my own head for a completely different reason. I was about to get fucked and there was not even any lube in sight. Everything I had worked so hard for was not really mine, anything I would earn moving forward was not really mine. My financial success was about to ruin me financially.

 

I thought about grabbing Big Dick but he was on the bottom of my pond. Of course I had many other ways to get high, including my one hitter in the draw right next to me. As I reached for it though I thought of my new friend, my dark passenger, and was scared away and for the last time in years I resisted my impulse for immediate gratification and made the smart decision, leaving the draw closed and my normal security blanket confined in its temporary coffin.

 

So I did the only non-destructive stress relieving activity that has ever worked for me.   I went out in the driveway and shot hoops. Spinning and twisting and juking my way around imaginary foes. Losing myself in past glories and believing I could still do the things I did in my youth. For three hours I vanquished all foes and did not get tired, draining threes from beyond both the college and NBA lines I had painted on my driveway, slipping through opponents and over the Lord crest I had painted in the lane of my home court. The only thing that could stop me was the darkness fastly approaching and even that could be held off by turning on the court lights. Finally I decided darkness would be the only one to beat me this day and in one last burst of pure energy I heaved the ball against the garage and let out a primal scream. +I’m a Master of the Universe”. Nobody can beat me. I always win. This divorce was just another hurdle. In this moment I thought I could run through a wall, literally run through a wall. It must be coming to grips with what needs to be done and facing it that makes me feels so revitalized.

 

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My dark passenger was not to be underestimated and wouldn’t reveal himself in all ways for years to come.